Geek Binge’s 2014 Tortellini Gaming Awards: Day 3 Winners

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our second annual end of the year awards for video games! The Tortellini Awards are given out to specific games and events that rocked our collective worlds this year, although there was not many of them. 2014 is the worst year in gaming since the 1980’s, and there was more harm done than good. But we need to highlight the best from the pile of garbage. Our ridiculous opinions on the year’s best will also be released in podcast form soon, so you can listen to how we came to the consensus choices (there was a lot of arguing). We will showcase a few awards each and every day throughout the week, culminating in our Game of the Year award, so keep coming back for more, and more, and more, like a binge! Click here for the Day 2 Winners if you happened to have missed them!

All people, deep down, inherently know some simple truths: we will all die one day, there is no justice to the universe, the things we love will not last forever, and only we can bring meaning to our insignificant lives. That’s why we watch sports, and see movies, and shove electronic consumer items in our faces during the holidays; to distract us from collapsing into existential wrecks. And one of the things we do while waiting for the passage of time to slowly kill us is play video games, so why not talk about the best of them for this year? Click bait? Perhaps. Following the trends of other websites because we aren’t original and have no energy left for original ideas? Sure. But is it fun? Why not. Time is relative, so let’s just group the games that came out in an arbitrary calendar year together for the sake of nothing, pitting indie versus blockbuster versus timed beta versus early access alpha games. This should be fun.

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Geek Binge Presents The 2014 Tortellini Awards For Excellence in Video Games That We Played This Year, Not the Ones We Didn’t, like Dragon Age and Dark Souls II

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The ResidentSleeper Award For “That Game Came Out This Year?”

And the nominees are:

Drive Club

Fantasia: Music Evolved

Mario Golf: World Tour

Project Spark

Thief

And the winner is…

Thief? That came out this year?

We just plum forgot this game came out this year. Like, when we looked up what came out in the earlier months, we legitimately forgot this was a thing. It would have been on our list of biggest disappointments, but we couldn’t remember it even disappointed. Oh well. Better luck never, because you killed this franchise. Whoever you are, who developed this game. Who developed this game? Are we sure this came out this year?

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The SMSkull Award For Best Character

And the nominees are:

– Cartman for South Park: The Stick of Truth

– Kenny from The Walking Dead Season 2

– Master Chief from Halo: The Master Chief Collection

– The number 12 from Threes!

– Torvin the Dwarf from Shadow of Mordor

And the winner is…

Torvin the Dwarf

Torvin is a total badass, and brings a much needed personality and humanity to Shadow of Mordor’s rather glib story. He’s like Quint from Jaws; he’ll take your monster down for you, and he’s a mother fucking dwarf. Funny, passionate, and a great counter to Talion, Torvin captured our attention and really made quite an impression.

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The BabyRage Award For Best Game No One Played

And the nominees are:

Broken Age

Jazzpunk

Fantasy Life

Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare

The Vanishing of Ethan Carter

And the winner is…

Jazzpunk

Our review of Jazzpunk is probably the best place to learn what the hell Jazzpunk is, but suffice it to say, it’s maybe the most original and unique experience gaming can offer this side of the Stanley Parable. You most likely did not play Jazzpunk, or hear about it, since it flew right under the radar, but it deserves to be played, and talked about, since it’s one of the funniest games to ever exist. It is a beautiful mash-up of different cultures and art styles, senses of humor, and also is a cornucopia of gameplay and narrative off-beat zaniness. Go buy it on a Steam Sale, please, it’s wonderful.

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The Year of Waluigi Special Grand Jury Prize For Best Use of Waluigi

And the nominees are:

Mario Kart 8

Mario Golf: World Tour

Super Smash Bros. for 3DS

Super Smash Bros. for Wii U

And the winner is…

Mario Golf: World Tour

Waluigi was in a number of games this year, by virtue of the fact that Nintendo had a really awesome year and released a lot of first party games. So we contend that this was the year of Waluigi, to rival last year’s Year of Luigi, and when we think of what game used Waluigi’s personality the best, we think of Mario Golf. His swing, his laugh, his mustache, all rendered perfectly on the 3DS. Embrace the magic, everyone, of Nintendo’s most underrated and forgotten characters.

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The BCWarrior Award For Best Use of Drugs in a Game

And the nominees are:

– Taking some pills in Jazzpunk

– Taking mushrooms in Mario Kart 8

– The drug mission from Sunset Overdrive

– Glamour from The Wolf Among Us

– Virtually hallucinating in Watch_Dogs

And the winner is…

The floor is lava mission from Sunset Overdrive

We don’t want to spoil Sunset Overdrive for those who have not played it, but let’s just say, some hallucinogenics find their way into you, because of leeches, and you imagine that the entire world is overrun by lava. The floor is lava. Which means you have to fly, glide, swing, grind, jump, and maneuver around the level, which is the most imaginative and innovative way to make us use our traversal skills, which is the best part of the game. Not to mention there are some other drug moments in Sunset, and it’s by far the trippiest game to come out this year. Not counting next-gen GTA V, which won this award last year. Google it.

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The BrainSlug Award for Best Use of Green Slime in a Game

And the nominees are:

The Evil Within

Hearthstone

Shovel Knight

And the winner is…

 

The Slime from Sludge Belcher, the Echoing Ooze, and the Acidic Swamp Ooze from Hearthstone

Look at these cards. So disgusting, so green, so slimy. The Slime comes from Sludge Belcher, the most overused and abused card from Curse of Naxxramas. The Echoing Ooze can be a tricky play if you’re a Paladin, since he can buff it with Blessing of Kings or a divine shield. And of course, the always welcome Acidic Swamp Ooze, which is the perfect weapon deterrent for every deck, no matter how cheap your deck is. It was a good year for green slime, we must say.

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The PJSalt Award for Excellence in eSports

And the nominees are:

– Firebat defending America at Blizzcon in Hearthstone

– Luffy’s amazing run at EVO in Ultra Street Fighter IV

– Pepedey’s coming out party this year in Ultra Street Fighter IV

– Samsung Galaxy White/MVP Ozone’s dominance in League of Legends

– Team PIE Smug, the beast, da based god, aka Grandma Smug, Smuggles, Smugkage, Smuggilicious

And the winner is…

Smug for being so godlike with his Dudley

Dear Smug,

How did you get so godlike with your Dudley? On a controller, no less. We all thought he was a trash, bottom five character, but then you decided to bop everyone in New York, then the West Coast, then the world, and then online like seven times over. Now you are America’s hope, its brightest star, and the new people’s champion. Never change Smug, keep making the competition stay free. You are good to the stream monsters, to Team PIE, and you got crispy links. What more can we ask of when giving out an award for excellence in gaming? You’re the most hype man in eSports, the most electrifying man in Street Fighter.

Sincerely,

The Geek Binge Staff

P.S. Tune in tomorrow folks, for more awards.

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