Six Horrible Lessons I Learned From the Films of Pixar


ToyStory3_Incinerator

Despite being films made for the entire family, there’s some pretty sketchy themes you can take away from the films of Pixar.  The themes aren’t precisely bad per say…but just might send a bad message about humanity, the nature of man, and life in general.  You know, like most family films.  Whatever the case, in honor of the release of Brave on DVD and Blu-Ray, we thought this would be an appropriate time to go over some of those depressing and horrific themes.  Without further ado, here’s six horrible lessons I learned from Pixar films.

“With enough passion, even your must ridiculous delusions of grandeur can become a reality.”

Throughout all of Toy Story, Buzz is stuck in a perpetual state of denial.  He believes himself to a badass space ranger, when really he’s just a pathetic little toy with a huge ego and delusions of grandeur to boot.  Throughout the film, Woody mocks Buzz for being a fool, too blind to release what he really is and what place he has in the universe.  Towards the end though, Buzz finally begins to realize his limitations; he’s not a space ranger, he’s not a hero.  Hell, he can’t even fly.  Buzz finally begins to accept that he’s a toy, plain and simple.  But hey, not really!  Because as history as taught us many a time in the past, all your wildest dreams can be achieved, no matter how crazy and fool hearted they might be!  Buzz CAN fly…all it takes is some matches and a huge ass rocket.

“Birds are terrifying as shit.”

Alright, maybe this one isn’t a lesson per say, but it’s still true!  If I took away anything from A Bug’s Life it’s that, as a bug, birds contain the power to fuck shit up royally.  They’re killing machines, man!  Imagine if you were one of the ants or grasshoppers in the film, forever being in fear of a monster that towers you in size, flies, and has no other desire in the world other than ending your existence!  No wonder Hopper fled in fear…birds are dangerous.  And they want nothing more than to see you decimated.

“You are not special and, if you try to be, you’re a monster.”

Most family movies stick to the pretty common theme of “everybody is special.”  That no matter who you are and what you are talented at, you can do anything you set your mind to do.  The Incredibles doesn’t believe in that shit.  No, The Incredibles believes in the doctrine that A FINITE SET of individuals are special…and those who aren’t shouldn’t like, even try.  In fact, The Incredibles basically says that by treating EVERYONE that they are special, the people who are special will lose what makes them, well, special.  And those who lack abilities but still try to make a difference anyways (like Buddy in the opening of the film) ARE JUST LIKE THE WORST PEOPLE EVAAAAAAR.  Seriously guys…save being awesome to people who are legitimately awesome.  Because if you believe in yourself, you really are a horrible human being.

“You should only love someone if they can get you the things you want.”

EVE, Wall-E’s love partner in Wall-E, is all kinds of horrible.  At the beginning of the film, she pretty much refuses to acknowledge his existence.  But like most introverted nerds, Wall-E doesn’t give up, and proceeds to peep stalk spy on her in his free time between collecting garbage.  But not until Wall-E gives EVE the boot flower does she even BEGIN to realize he’s a thing.  Some date rape and other romantic adventures later, and Wall-E and a comatose EVE arrive on the Axiom to deliver the plant.  And the moment EVE awakens from her sleep, what does she do?  Chastise Wall-E, and then asks for the plant.  Anything for your fix, huh EVE?  I give them two weeks tops before Wall-E’s dead end job won’t be able to afford EVE all the plants she asked for.  Being a Sugar Daddy sure is fun, isn’t it Wall-E?

“By throwing away your old toys, you are Satan incarnate.”

Oh man, the massive guilt trip I felt at the end of Toy Story 3 nearly tore me apart.  The horrible things that happened to these toys only occurred because Andy’s jackass mom accidentally donated them.  And after than, it’s nothing but a cacophony of sorrows for these characters.  From being abused by toddlers to being imprisoned in a Communist workcamp (oh come now, you KNOW Toy Story 3 is just a huge parable for the fall of the Soviet Union), the characters in Toy Story 3 just couldn’t catch a break.  And all of these events finally reached their pinnacle when the toys fall in the garbage, are almost crushed by trash, torn apart by thousands of tiny blades, and incinerated in a huge inferno of a furnace.  What kind of monster would cause this level of harm to such nice and innocent creatures?  Well, I would.  I threw away my Toy Story toys when I stopped using them.  I used them and used them, and then just threw them away as if they were filth to simply be DISPOSED of.  THEY’RE PEOPLE TOO DAMN IT, AND I KILLED THEM!  Just like the bitch that was Andy’s mom, I too am a horrible, horrible human being.

“By drugging your mother, you will form a greater bond with her than ever before.”

Oh Brave…boy do you have a stupid lead character. Merida’s ENTIRE goal throughout the film was to “change her fate.” What does that mean? Well who knows…and who cares? MAGIC. Merida, being the smart girl she is, decides to take a magical potion from a strange old woman in the middle of the forest to achieve her goals. And because every strange old woman in the middle of your forest is your best friend, she slips it into her mother’s food, cause MAGIC. What it does doesn’t TECHNICALLY matter…it will just make things awesome for her. Or kill everyone she’s every known and/or loved. Well that’s a chance Merida’s willing to take!  Let’s hope this impacts our relationship for the better or something, Mom.  Or kills you.  Either would work honestly.  JUST CHANGE MY FATE, MAGIC!

Those cubs were pretty cute though.

Anyways, that’s the end of our list.  And before we go, let me just state the obvious by saying that this article isn’t supposed to be taken seriously.  I don’t really think EVE is horrible, or that Toy Story 3 is a Soviet Russia parable.  It’s a joke.  A gag.  A farce.  Simple buffoonery.  I’m out of synonyms now, but hopefully you get the picture!

-Matthew

 

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Matthew Legarreta

Matthew Legarreta is the Editor-in-Chief of Geek Binge. A big ol' ball of movie, TV, and video game loving flesh, Matthew started up Geek Binge in the Fall of 2012 to convince himself that he's doing something with his life. He isn't. Matthew also loves writing about himself in the third person, because it makes him feel important or something.

  • http://www.facebook.com/katie.delia.5 Katie Delia

    I’ve been saying that for years about The Incredibles.

  • Bob

    Seems like this cite intentionally goes out of its way to find the bad in life instead of the good. You’ll find what you’re looking for, but don’t expect it to make the world better, or for it to make you happier

  • Bob

    Sorry, not just this cite, but this network of cites.

  • 69camaroSS

    bravo!

  • Maria

    The soviet union wasn’t bad… WTF. I lived & was born there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Micah-李-文-Jung/100000482007095 Micah 李 文 Jung

    are you still there or did you defect?

  • http://www.facebook.com/luke.mcgrail.71 Luke McGrail

    This author has to proof read his work. Multiple typos, one huge one right in the title.

  • http://www.facebook.com/L00fah Eric J. Murillo

    The author of this is trying WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too hard to find negative themes and his/her lack of basic thematic comprehension really shines in this article. I would be ashamed to have this garbage on my website.

    Also, proofread your shit. If you can’t; have someone else do it. I write for a living, too – it isn’t that hard.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nekrobomb Nekrobomb Jones

    And after than, it’s nothing but a cacophony (that instead of than) You really did think in a new direction. Does any want Pixar to do Doraemon?